10 Long Months

Thursday was the last Chemo.

She is still taking a chemo med orally to help make sure it stays away.  What has happened in the last year and a half has changed us all.  We have learned to take each day and appreciate it.  We have learned that we sometimes do things that we don’t think we will do to protect our own soul.  Cancer sucks.  These things we do to protect ourselves, I hate them.  I hate that sometimes I couldn’t remove myself and do what she needed me to do.  I hate that feeling of regret, or time passing and you can only watch it happen as if you are frozen or somehow outside your own body and mind.  This is not what I would have imagined.  I have questioned God.  So Many Times.  I am still struggling with Him.  They say, “trust Him” or “there’s a reason” or “have faith” or the list goes on and on and on.  There is no making sense of what happens in life sometimes.  These has permeated through my life in these months.  I question a lot.  I feel alone a lot.  I am left with not feeling good enough…. to understand…. to have the outcome I desire…. to be worthy of such peace.  Maybe tomorrow.

Today’s the Day

Here we are. Today is the day. Today is the day that cancer finally taken out of my mom!  It feels like it’s been forever. The moment we got the news the only thing I could think of was GET IT OUT!  But we had to wait. Go through 6 rounds of chemo and everything else associated with this ugly sickness. 

Fear has overcome us all at one point or another and hope has remained a cornerstone that we are clutching with all our might. Emotions have been many; fear, worry, frustration, sadness, anger, confusion, distrust, hope and maybe most important to get us through has been gratefulness. Gratefulness that it hasn’t been worse, that she’s had the strength to fight, that there is treatment options, and that God is carrying her. 

We welcome prayers as much as possible and wait in hope as she is undergoing this important surgery that we do not hear any news that of spread or any complications. We stand in hope and I am searching for the courage to trust God again!

Trust

This topic is something that has been plaguing me lately.  Trust.  That is a huge word.  It is a huge action.

(as I started to write this, I couldn’t continue. I became blank.  I had to physically walk away.  That is how much this is a problem for me right now.)

2 hours later…

I see things on social media like this…

I am ashamed to say this, but this doesn’t happen for me.  I want it to but it doesn’t.  I know God loves me.  I know my hope.  But I can’t seem to trust Him like I could, like I have before, like I need to.  This is real.  It is raw.  I feel like He has abandoned me.  Life these last few months have been filled with sadness and worry.  In my heart of hearts, I know this is when He is carrying me.  But why do I not feel this?  My search for understanding will continue…. I am not giving up.

Yikes 2017… It is here!

It has again been far too long since I have updated.  Life has a way of getting away from me.  The weather is beyond cold and I find myself reminiscing about warmer months.  As much as I do not want to wish my time away, being able to be outside and enjoying what nature has sure makes life full!  Maybe someday I will actually find a winter activity that I enjoy so that these days can be filled with anticipation for adventure like the warmer days are!

Generally speaking, life is about the same…

• My mom is still fighting her fight against cancer.  We are at the point that Chemo is complete and surgery is impending.  After surgery at the end of this month she will begin her 39 radiation treatments.  We are all looking forward to this being behind us and looking at her and knowing that she is healthy and strong and enjoying our time together.
• My girls are still as amazing as ever!  They are filled with life and joy and bring so much to each and every one of us.
• Teaching has kept me busy!  Seeing growth in my students is powerful.  Seeing the sadness that happens in some of their lives is eye opening.  Showing love and kindness along with healthy expectations and life lessons is more important than ever.

Thanks for bearing with me!  I will continue to write as time allows!  Hopefully more often than I have been!

Soon, I will be reviewing a book for Multicultural Children’s Book day 2017!  I am very excited as I know we need more of this in our lives and libraries!

And…. it’ s Here

I was tempted to put a sad face next to my title of this post.  However, in a brief moment of hesitation, I decided not too!  Even though I feel a sense of sadness that summer is over and we are embarking on a new school year, there is hope as we move forward.  2016 has been a challenging year for us.  Knowing that once 2016 ends; my mom’s chemotherapy will be done and we can move forward to further healing for her and a new reality.  My 2nd grader is so excited to get back to school and see friends and have new experiences….how can that not be exciting?  My preschooler smiles her beautiful smile every time we mention school getting back in session.  And, even me… I am starting a new school year in my special education classroom with 6 amazing children that have so much potential and upcoming growth to celebrate!  Here is a perfect example of choosing to see positivity even when my initial instinct is one of dread!  My time with my girls during summer break is so incredibly cherished that seeing it come to an end can’t be helped but to experience a certain amount of loss.  However, a new year brings new excitement, new challenges and the hope of the coming phases!

Cheers to living life!

 

Soaking up Summer

I am in my last few hours of summer vacation from teaching!  Yikes, this summer went by fast!  My girls have one more week to soak up summer vacation!  We are trying to be intentional about getting as much out of it as possible! Today we went to the outdoor pool and splished and splashed into the early evening hours.  The other day we spent time with great friends at the beach. We have engaged in later evening fun in the neighborhood with friends… but now, all of that is coming to an end.  I would be lying if I said that it didn’t bother me.  With each passing summer it is forced into my face that life is getting away from me.  My girls are getting older.  Heck, I am too!  I am trying to remind myself that everything has its season and that each stage of our lives has always been good and we have enjoyed them.  But for tonight…. My heart is sad and I wish summer could stick around just a little while longer.

Miracles

Recently I was entrusted with a Milk Weed Caterpillar.  For those of you that know your caterpillars, this becomes a Monarch Butterfly.  This caterpillar was tiny.  No bigger than the size a the end of a pencil lead.  I was not so sure I was going to be able to successfully bring this little guy to complete it’s life cycle.  Well, I can report that I was able to with the help of my little ladies and lots of dedication to feed this sweat beast (the girls named it Pilly) he made his way out of his chrysalis and I am reminded of God’s miracles.  How in the world does this happen.  There is really no explanation that can make sense in my head that takes this 

and after transformation can make this

without understanding God’s grace, creative beauty, and the concept of resurrection!  God is truly amazing and there is no other explanation but knowing that God is in control and that He makes all things good…It may take time, it may be a process and we may even have to be “melted down and chemically changed” in order to live fully as we are meant to. Thank you Pilly for reminding me of God’s mercy and grace on this tough season in our life!

Kids and Coping

Isn’t it true that even adults have a hard time finding what works in terms of coping with difficult situations in life.  It is a challenge because what works one time might not work the next.  We are in constant search of healthy ways to make ourselves feel better when we are stressed.  Our society generally goes to things like having a drink, eating something unhealthy, watching TV, and the list could go on and on.  All of these things in moderation are certainly just fine ways to get through something difficult.  However, longer term, I found myself asking, “what could I do and what could I teach both my own children and the children I teach ways to help deal with difficult situations that might actually help with positive forward movement with the situation?”  What a huge question!  I still do not have the answer!  However, there are things we can do that can certainly get us closer…

1. Take deep breathes.
   • This is helping my 4 year old in ways I never imagined.  When she falls and injures herself, when her feelings are hurt, when she is worried, when she is sensitive, etc….  She looks at my with giant eyes and she begins to deeply breathe.  This has helped her regain regulation 100% of the time she has tried it.

2. Count to 10.
   • Counting helps us go from our emotions to our rational thinking. In order to think about counting, you have to leave the emotional for a minute, gaining regulation.
3. Take a walk.
   • Walking can help release positive feelings in our bodies. It can also help us gain perspective that this place we are in is a small part of the whole.
4. Pray.
   • For me this can be hard. I can find myself in a cycle of telling myself reasons why praying won’t work.  I don’t deserve it.  I make so many mistakes. My problem is ridiculous. God doesn’t listen to me anyway.  I am here to tell you that every single time I have pushed through this, I have been shown how this is the devil keeping me from what God desires for me and God has come through!  Not always how I want or in my time but He knows what is best.
5. Talk to someone with the focus of possible solutions.
   • It is so easy to talk to someone else and stay stuck in the “ickyness” of how we feel. Sometimes this can even take a turn for the worst and making it feel bigger or harder.  When you focus on solutions, it gives hope to a difficult situation.  Maybe none of the solutions work or maybe they are even far fetched, but the reality is they give you hope to try something to change the current situation.

We can teach this to our children.  They need us to teach them this.

Trust

Trust.  Trust can be brutal.  Trust can be beautiful.  Trusting God in all things is really tough.  When life is difficult or when there seems to be more reasons to be in despair than anyone cares for, this… this is when trust is crucial.  I know it is a bit cliche but the Footprints in the Sand is what I envision each time I am in this place of uncertainty.  When I do not know what I will do next or what God is doing with a situation or my heart hurts beyond understanding this is when I feel like I can viscerally see and feel the single set of footprints.  Initially, I almost always feel alone and let down or as if I am not enough to be taken care of…. BUT always there comes a point where I realize that these very single footprints are not mine.

This brings me so much peace:

       Trust in You Lyrics

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!

Written by Lauren Daigle, Michael Farren, Paul Mabury • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

 

 

Beauty is Everywhere

You Just Have To Look For It!

Beauty is all around us.  We just have to keep our eyes open and see it.  It is in the sky and on the ground.  It is in the faces of children.  It is in our minds and on our hearts.  It is in simplicity and in chaos.  It is in living and non living things.  It is literally everywhere.  I feel blessed to have the opportunity to see it.  God has given us so much goodness.  We have to learn to see it.  We have to learn to embrace it.  We have to keep trying in everything we do.